Mental exhaustion + Physical exhaustion = a very stern fuck you. I’m seriously running on fumes everything from home life to my job, and let’s not forget that ever so deceitful mother fucker the past. I’ve just about had it. I lived through, and continue to live through some terrible situations. I wake up everyday fighting for my future. I can still see the world in color, but everything is just a little more pointless now, a little more irritating. I watch the news, I’m in the public, and all I see is the bullshit that pours from people’s souls. Racial agenda, gay agenda, anti-gay agenda, religious agenda, atheist agenda, what Love is, what beauty is, what good is. Everybody swears they’re right. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I’m sick of the bullshit. Fuck you and your thoughts and your supercilliousness, your store bought righteousness. Am I being hypocritical by posting my personal views and saying what I said? No see…anybody else’s opinion more than likely is stated under the facade of not looking for validation, but we all know that’s a damn lie. I genuinely don’t care if you get my point. To be quite honest it’s all pointless.,why? Because of the fact we’re entitled to our own point of view. In knowing that My rebuttal to your rebuttal is still a starched and pressed….Fuck You! I know I’m not being heard really. This is the ambient buzz you hear in complete silence. Things aren’t going to change because I wrote and posted this. That’s acceptable. I’m just making something that was alive in my mind semi tangible. My psychological cigarette ( I quit smoking by the way 4 months now) Whether you listened or heard or ignored have a good one…..
About who and where I was 10 years ago. In reality not much has changed. The base of who I was is still here. I’m still full of thoughts and things only I find funny. I still don’t really feel youthful, but glad that I’m still young enough to make things correct. I’m not bitter. I still think about what my wife and children will look like, but then I think about my exes or these sloppy ass hoes being all willy nilly with their pussy Just fucking anybody because they’re in their youth blah blah blah, then I think about being single for a long ass time. I think about how to finalize my dreams, and bring them to fruition. I try not to kill myself in thought or be afraid, but that shit is hard. 10 years past and yeah there are a million things different. I’ve had a bunch of new experiences good and bad, and I have a lifetime more. But it’s moments like these where It’s early in the morning, I have music in my ears, and I’m gone. That never has changed and I ain’t mad at that.
Soo tonight I went to my favorite used dvd store. I bullshitted for a few hours and selected some things. 2 comedies a horror and an indie. Anger Management,Me Myself & Irene, The Wackness, and Stephen King’s It. Without realizing it before purchasing is they all have a weird correlation with me(cept for it). I’m too tired to go into how but if you knew me you could probably see it. Anyways if you live in new york city hit up BookOff used dvds,cd’s,books,and video games. 45th snd 5th.
A wasted day. It started with a picture of her which led to a phone call which led to meeting for lunch. After being her victim for soo long my demeanor should’ve been that of callous nature like it usually is. But like a kicked dog who knows no better I was excited and elated to see her. I met her at her job. We then went to a resturaunt near by, and ate. Where there should’ve been a goodbye there was a extension of time where better judgement was lost. A hand held turned into a hug then she put on her lip gloss. Her eyes closed and her lips touched mine. Over and over again. We were like we were all those months ago. Embraced and enveloped in this facade of lovers. A day of joking and talks of a false future. Just like us heh… We stop for coffee and her phone goes off. She becomes secretive. It’s not in my place to question her but I do which makes her even more defensive. I’m not stupid and I know better. She then tells me to stop thinking and live and love in this moment, but it’s deeper than that for me. We shared something special and crazy. We killed an angel in our stupidity. I drop her off. She asks if she’ll see me again. I tell her call when it’s neccesary. She frowns then smiles. I had a good day she says. I did too I reply. I walk away to only get on this train and swim in my thoughts. My fault….